Time has become very significant. It was exactly 7 months to the day between the time I found out that I was pregnant and the day I delivered. 7 months worth of dreams, hopes, and plans. In the grand scheme of life, 7 months is a very short amount of time. Looking back, I would say those 7 months flew by. Now, they are 7 months I will cherish forever.
When Maya died I quickly thought of my summer. With no plans, no baby, and no work to go back to, I feared time would stand still. There have been many days when it has. There have been days when time feels like it’s moving backwards. There have been days when lunch arrives quickly and the afternoon moves at a snail’s pace. Though many days have seemed long, summer as a whole is moving faster than I thought it would.
Today being the last day of July brings a lot of meaning. My first full month without Maya has come and gone. Her due date has past. The month that I looked forward to and counted down to is gone. I got through it, and I survived it. July 1st was a really hard day. Not only was it the first day of the month when I was supposed to have Maya, but it was also the day that I would have been 37 weeks pregnant – full term. I remember wondering on that day how I would ever get through the month.
Getting through July gives me a new found hope for the future. I no longer think that time will stand still. I’m working hard to enjoy the rest of my summer and be grateful for all the time that I have.
I once heard that if you say, “Rabbit, Rabbit” on the first of the month, you will have good luck that month. For as long as I can remember, I have done that. July 1st was the first time in years that I did not say, “Rabbit, Rabbit”. I had said it on June 1st which brought the worst luck imaginable, so why bother. I’ve decided that I will go back to my “Rabbit, Rabbit” regimine tomorrow, August 1st. I’ve decided that just because I have suffered the worst luck EVER does not mean that good things won’t come my way again.
As I say goodbye to July and look forward to all that August will bring, I feel good and hopeful. Though it’s hard to get farther away from my time with Maya, I’m looking forward to the rest of the summer and to the fall. This next month brings two vacations and my 2 year anniversary with my husband. August will also bring the start of a new school year, which signifies a new beginning in my career. I have a lot of hope that when I get to the end of August, I will look back and conclude that it was a good month overall.
At first I didn’t want time to pass. I wanted to go back in time when I had Maya with me and was so naive and innocent. I’m now at a point in my journey where I can look back and acknowledge that a month has gone by quickly. I can look forward and feel excitement for what the short and long term future will bring.