You will find that I use the term “live on” frequently in my writing. I have thought long and hard about how to go forward. One of my secrets to being a genuinely happy person has always been to let things go that are out of my control – to move on. Since losing Maya, I have learned that that’s not always possible.
I will never move on from this experience. Moving on means I will get past it. Moving on goes with letting things go. I don’t want to get past this and I can’t let this go. I will never let this go. This will never get better. I will never look back and say, “it happened for a reason” or “it’s better this way”. My usual tactics for getting through something bad do not work in this situation. This is a new kind of hurdle. This is a new kind of bad.
After much thought and consideration of what the alternative is to moving on, I realized that I can continue to live on. I can live on without letting it go, getting over it, or moving on. Having Maya and losing Maya has now become a part of who I am. It’s now become a part of my life’s story. For the rest of my life, I will be the mother of an angel baby. I will always have one more child that people do not meet when they encounter our family. Why on earth would I ever let that go or move on from that?
I can look towards a brighter future and know that Maya lives through me. I can live a more fulfilling life because of this experience. I can appreciate the simpler things and move on from the trivial ‘bad things’ that happen more quickly. I can invest more of myself in everything that I do and every relationship that I have. I can be a better person.
Knowing that I will always have her memory gives me the strength to live on. With Maya smiling down on me, I can and will live on.