I will never move on

You will find that I use the term “live on” frequently in my writing.  I have thought long and hard about how to go forward.  One of my secrets to being a genuinely happy person has always been to let things go that are out of my control – to move on.  Since losing Maya, I have learned that that’s not always possible.

I will never move on from this experience.  Moving on means I will get past it.  Moving on goes with letting things go.  I don’t want to get past this and I can’t let this go.  I will never let this go.  This will never get better.  I will never look back and say, “it happened for a reason” or “it’s better this way”.  My usual tactics for getting through something bad do not work in this situation.  This is a new kind of hurdle.  This is a new kind of bad.

After much thought and consideration of what the alternative is to moving on, I realized that I can continue to live on.  I can live on without letting it go, getting over it, or moving on.  Having Maya and losing Maya has now become a part of who I am.  It’s now become a part of my life’s story.  For the rest of my life, I will be the mother of an angel baby.  I will always have one more child that people do not meet when they encounter our family.  Why on earth would I ever let that go or move on from that?

I can look towards a brighter future and know that Maya lives through me.  I can live a more fulfilling life because of this experience.  I can appreciate the simpler things and move on from the trivial ‘bad things’ that happen more quickly.  I can invest more of myself in everything that I do and every relationship that I have.  I can be a better person.

Knowing that I will always have her memory gives me the strength to live on.  With Maya smiling down on me, I can and will live on.


6 thoughts on “I will never move on

  1. I love your choice of words: “live on”. You will be able to live on and she will ALWAYS be in your heart. You’re very brave to write about your loss and I am sending prayers your way!

    By the way, I found you through Megan’s blog!

  2. Pingback: What Not to Say… | Happiness At The Core

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