This post is going to begin with a somewhat whiny tone – it will get better, I promise.
One of the greatest difficulties of losing Maya is that I have to deal with the aftermath of being pregnant, with no baby to show for it. It sucks. Yes, I say that often, but sometimes it’s the only way to express how I feel. It’s hard enough to have a finished nursery, drawers filled with onesies and socks, stacks of bibs, shelves of books, and a glider that’s still in the box. Add to that the physical reminders that I was recently pregnant, and we have ourselves a great big suck fest.
The first thing I had to deal with was recovering from my c-section and having my milk come in all at the same time. The first few weeks after my loss, I was in a real fog, so I don’t remember much. I cried a lot, I slept a lot, I tried to convince myself that this didn’t really happen to me. All things considered, I recovered fairly quickly.
I gained too much weight during my pregnancy, and I was already overweight to begin with. I lost about half of it fairly quickly and then my weight-loss flat out stopped. I wasn’t breastfeeding, so I didn’t have that to help. I refused to continue wearing maternity clothes and quickly packed those away in the attic. So, I’m fat, my clothes don’t fit, and my feet got bigger too so most of my shoes don’t fit either. Because of all this, I have felt like a slug. As I’ve mentioned, functioning is exhausting so I’ve had little motivation to exercise when I get home.
Loss is so multidimensional. Not only do I grieve the loss of Maya, I grieve the loss of the hopes and dreams I had for her and for us as a family. Not only do I have to recover from giving birth, I have to see the scar and the stretchmarks every day when I look in the mirror. Not only do I have to get up and face each day without my daughter, I have to go work when I was supposed to be on maternity leave. Every thought that I have comes back to Maya and to what happened and to what should be. This loss has found its way into every part of my life. I cannot escape it.
With my new found clarity, I am learning how to embrace my loss. I know that sounds a little strange, but I feel like I am starting to accept it as part of my life and I’m slowly figuring out what to do with it. I’m learning who the new me is and I like her. I’m learning how I can mother Maya and honor her life. This week, I finally found the motivation to keep track of and limit the food I put in my mouth. I have also walked Halee a mile and a half every day this week. I feel so different. My head is less foggy, I have more energy, and I am in an overall better mood.
Hackie and I have a lot to look forward to and plans for the next 4 weekends, which include a birthday party, 2 walks (Walk to Remember and March for Babies), and a wedding. All of these plans are helping time pass and helping me to live on. There are a lot of celebrations coming up and I think I will be able to find the joy in each of these occasions. I’m starting to find glimpses of the happiness at my core – and that feels good.