I feel like I must begin this post by acknowledging and showing appreciation for the three Mamas who nominated me and my blog for a Liebster award. I am honored and touched. At this point in time, I am not in the right headspace to follow the directions – answering the questions and nominating others. I hope you all understand and know just how much it means to me to be recognized.
This morning, as I went through my typical morning routine of checking blogs and facebook, I learned that United Through Pregnancy and Infant Loss, which is a community support group on facebook is hosting Baby-Loss Family day today. I quickly joined the event and scrolled through the stories. I shared my precious Maya as I will take any opportunity I can to share my baby with the world. And then, I started to reflect. After all, it is what I do best.
We are a family. Ask any of us and we’d take a one-way ticket out of this club if we were given the opportunity. However, let’s face it, once your in the baby-loss family, you’re in forever. When Maya died, I felt so alone. No one else spent 8 months carrying that baby girl, no one else felt her kick and wiggle, no one else tried so hard to get her here safely, and no one else has the permanent scar that reminds me of what happened. I felt like a failure, I felt disappointed in myself, and I felt so alone.
Almost immediately after arriving home, I had an email from a friend who had endured a very similar loss a year prior. In a way, she was my gateway into this family. She pointed me in the direction of online resources, which led me to other resources. Soon, I was spending upwards of 6 hours a day reading, searching, and hoping to find stories similar to my own. I had a need to feel less alone. I needed this new family.
Now, 7 months, 1 week, and 4 days later, I am comforted by the knowledge that this baby-loss family exists. I have reconnected with friends in real life who have gone through loss or who have been especially touched/affected by Maya’s story. I have met new online friends from all over the world who read and comment on my blog, and connect with me on facebook. I have several blogs that I follow that validate my feelings. I often find myself nodding along as I read a post. I feel so reassured that what I’m feeling is ‘normal’ and OK.
Thank you to United Through Pregnancy and Infant Loss for hosting this day. I have been especially sad this weekend. Why? I’m not quite sure. I’ve come to realize that there will be days when I am more sad than others. I do not have to have a reason or a specific trigger for crying and feeling sad. My baby died. That’s enough of a reason. Anyway, being reminded of this family that I am a part of has helped bring light to this otherwise dark day. I am grateful that this family exists and that none of us have to feel alone.
To all baby-loss Mamas who I have crossed paths with in real life or in the online world, and to those who may read here that I do not know about – you are not alone. We will continue to navigate this road together and I am here for you as you’ve been for me. I believe our babies are now all angel friends – looking down and smiling because we have found each other through this common bond.
If you are reading here and we have not yet connected, I would love to know who you are. Comment here, connect with me on facebook, send me an email. We must stay united and continue to support each other.