I’ve been neglecting this blog. I think about writing on a daily basis. I read several baby loss blogs per day and nod along feeling better that I’m not the only one living through life after loss. My hope is that I have loyal readers who nod along when they read my posts, which brings me to the guilty feeling I’ve had about not writing. Almost daily, I plan to write. I have several posts composed in my head, and then when it comes time to sit down and write, I don’t want to. I think I’ve figured out why, which I’ll get to in a moment.
For over a month, I had a post in my head. A post about “acceptance” (though I hate that word). A post about turning a corner in my journey through grief. A post about feeling better, more productive, and happy. For now, that post will have to wait. I’m no longer feeling that way.
I’m feeling so sad. It has been nine months. Summer changed to fall changed to winter and now spring (though it doesn’t feel that way). Holidays have come and gone. Days, weeks, and months pass by. Nine months. Nine months without Maya. Nine months trying to make the best of a life I wasn’t supposed to have. Nine months dreaming of what could have been – what should be. What I’m struggling with most is how to balance my feelings. I miss Maya terribly. I long for the life I was supposed to have with her. I also want so badly to be pregnant. I never thought it would take this long, and it is beyond frustrating.
So here I am. So stuck and so sad. I find myself wanting a break from it all. I think about the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I wish for just one day I could have a break from my memory. This sounds awful, but this is a place for honest, raw feelings, and sometimes that’s how I feel. I will never forget my precious Maya, but with the memory of her comes this heart-wrenching grief that is exhausting. This is why I haven’t written. I’m crying as I write this. To write, I have to go to my darkest place. I have to feel the sadness in every inch of my body and completely focus on it. I haven’t had the strength to do that lately.
I want so badly to mother Maya here on Earth, and I can’t. I want to have a living child that I can take care of. The moment Maya was born, I felt the love that every mother describes – the love for a beautiful life that I helped create. I still have that love for Maya but I’m limited in the ways in which I can show it. I am so ready to mother a child here on Earth. I read so many stories of women getting pregnant with their rainbows very soon after their loss. I thought for sure that would be me. I feel like life is laughing in my face making me feel like the biggest fool for thinking that I can plan out and then execute the life I want. We have now been trying for 7 months with no luck. Now, the reality I am facing is another holiday season with no baby. A full calendar year with no baby. It makes me so sad.
So where do I go from here? Was I a fool for thinking I had turned a corner in my journey? I don’t think so. I have said from the beginning that grief is not linear. I have been in this dark place before. I turned a corner, felt more positive, and then turned another one. This is how it will always be as I live through my grief and sadness for the rest of my life. As I’ve said before, it’s my constant companion – growing louder and softer on a daily basis.
I was hesitant to write today. I actually stayed at school to write this because I knew if I went home it wasn’t going to happen. Though I had to dig deep, cry, and be brutally honest with my feelings, writing this has helped. I need to remember that exposing my sadness for the world to see helps me acknowledge and release those feelings.
I will be OK. I am OK. This is my life now. Some days and weeks will be more sad than others and I am learning how to live through them.