Wow. It’s been quite a while since I have sat down to write. I’ve missed this space. I’ve missed bringing my grief to the surface and writing about how much I miss Maya. I have a lot I want to catch up on and I finally have some time this week. My goal is to write a new post each day recapping the last 6 weeks or so. I plan to write about Maya’s garden dedication and birthday, the Compassionate Friends Conference that Hackie and I attended, and the end of the school year. First though, I feel it necessary to write about why I have been MIA from this blog.
Once upon a time, I worked as a camp counselor every summer. Starting when I was 19, I worked at three different camps over the course of seven summers. The most recent was a summer arts program that I worked at summers 07 through 10. In 2011, I was all set to go back to my beloved summer arts program, but was not given the opportunity. Last summer I had a baby. As it became apparent that I was not getting pregnant in time to have another summer baby, I began to think about this summer. This was back in February. Actually, that’s not really how it went. I was working on the show at my school and those around me started to bring up the summer. The director I was working with happens to be married to the camp director and she basically told me that if I was going to go back, I had to make a decision. In the end, the decision was made for me. Between my mother and my husband, I was convinced that I would be crazy not to go back to the summer arts program I once held very near and dear to my heart. They reminded me how quickly I become bored and that having something to do the month of July would be really good.
I met with the camp director and felt good about my decision to return. There was a small part of me that wondered if it would be a good idea to return part time as I knew what long and exhausting days I was in for, but I ignored that instinct. In March, I was asked if I wanted to direct Shrek with the middle school campers. I was over the moon thrilled. I saw Shrek on Broadway and fell in love with the show. I was beyond excited for this opportunity and any hesitation I had about returning full time disappeared.
Time carried on and I made it through the end of the school year. With so many hurricane/snow days, the end of the school year overlapped with the beginning of camp. This was a big challenge. School ended on a Tuesday. The weekend prior to that I had to be at camp all weekend. We had the weekend of Maya’s dedication and birthday, a full school week, a weekend working at camp, the last 2 days of school, and then right to camp. I worked 11 days straight and I was so tired. It was very hard to have no time off between school and camp.
The program is five weeks long. I struggled. The days were longer than my school days and the driving distance was more than double. I was tired and I was having a tough time connecting with the staff. I was frustrated with myself because there was a point in time when I loved the program so much I would cry right along with the campers when it was over. This year was so different. I was different. I remembered that it took me about 6 weeks to adjust to being at school again after Maya died. This was a similar set of circumstances. It was not a new environment, but I had to adjust to being there as the new me. I, again, had to figure out a way to function and teach and direct alongside my grief. Some of the staff knew what had happened to me last summer and some were brand new and didn’t know me at all. As usual, there were circumstances where it was the elephant in the room.
Week 3 has always been the toughest week at camp, and I think that is the case for everyone. The fatigue starts to catch up with you and the end does not feel near. Week 3 was very tough for me. It was right after the weekend of the conference, which I will write about later this week. I was in tears just about every morning because I did not want to go. I couldn’t help but think over and over, “I should be at home with my one year old. I should not be working.” It was another test of my emotional stamina and I simply had to wait for the sadness to pass.
This past week was the last week of camp – show week. There is a different show every night. Shrek went up Tuesday and was truly incredible. I worked with an amazing cast of 30 fantastic and talented kids. I was so filled with pride that everything else leading up to that night went away. I was so grateful that I had the opportunity and was proud of myself that I accomplished what I set out to do.
Now that camp is over and I can officially say I am on summer vacation, I can reflect on how much I grew these last five weeks. To go back after two summers off and after losing Maya was quite an undertaking (I realize now). In the beginning, I expected it to be the same, and I expected to get the same level of fulfillment that I once did. While camp did not meet my expectations and I had some rough and emotional moments, I made it out the other end. There is no greater feeling than making it through a tough time and coming out the other side. This was another steep climb up the mountain that is my journey through grief. Though I stumbled a few times, I made it up.
There are 4 weeks left to summer vacation. I have some exciting trips planned and some much-needed downtime at home. I worked so hard these last five weeks. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to go back and I am grateful the program lasts only the month of July