Tag Archive | beauty

18 Months

My Dearest Maya,

You would have been 18 months old today.  I’ve thought all day about what you’d be like.  Walking, talking, set in your ways, and eagerly anticipating the holiday season.  I know you’d have quite the personality and would always keep Daddy and I on our toes.  I imagine we would have filled this month with lots of fun family activities.  You’d be the life of every holiday party.  I picture you looking a lot like Mommy looked at your age – curly hair about shoulder length, chubby chubby cheeks, and an adorable button nose!  Oh how I would love to see your beautiful face!

Even though I don’t write here as often as I used to, I still think about you daily.  I say goodnight to you every night and tell you I love you when I see the gorgeous pink sky.  Any time the clock reads 6:16, I know you’re saying hi.  I miss you so much.  Sometimes, I feel bad that life has gone on without you here.  But then I remember that you are here.  We live our lives the way we do because of you.  You continue to help us understand what is important, especially this time of year.

Your little brother/sister is doing well – continuing to grow inside Mommy’s belly.  I ask you every morning to continue watching over him/her.  I know you are with us.  I know that you have helped Mommy get through this pregnancy.  It’s been scary, but knowing I have my little angel on my shoulder helps the days pass by.  I wish you were here to anticipate the new baby’s arrival.  I wish we could enjoy this baby through your eyes.  But I know that we will be better parents because of you.  I know we will make a conscious effort to cherish each and every moment.  That is how I have approached this pregnancy – every day is a gift and I must enjoy all the time I have with this new little life.

Happy 18 months sweet angel.  Keep watching out for Mommy and Daddy.  Be with us in the weeks to come as we prepare to bring this baby into the world.

I love you and miss you always and forever.

Love Love Love,

Mommy

What’s In a Name

I decided to link up with the journey over at Still Standing today.  I haven’t really written about Maya’s name so I thought this was a good opportunity to share.

Hackie and I started talking about our future children’s names within the first year we dated.  We were 19 and clearly both looking forward to having children.  Over the years it would come up every once and a while.  Once we decided to start trying we decided on a boy name right away, which is still our boy name.

When I got pregnant we felt a sense of urgency at finalizing our name choices.  We still both loved our boy choice but could not come to a consensus on a girl name.  Since we wanted the gender to be a surprise, we had time to figure it out.  Still, I was very anxious and pushed to finalize our choice.

We constantly went back and forth suggesting and vetoing each other’s name choices.  Since I teach, there are many names that get thrown out right away because of name association.  Also, with our names being so unique, there was a certain level of pressure to choose names that weren’t the most common.

After much debate and many lists, Maya was the only name we both liked and we kept coming back to it.  It went well with our boy name – both very classic, not too common, but not too out there.  We had known all along that her middle name would be after my mother (Francine) and we both loved the sound of Maya Francine.

We’ve found sources that claim Maya was the name of the mother of the Buddha, and that it means princess. According to Baby Center, Maya means “divine creative force in everything”.  I think this is the most fitting.  Everything I do now seems driven by my darling Maya.  Life now has a greater purpose because of her.

Maya’s middle name was easy.  My mom and I are very close and I owe so much of who I am today to her.  As I thought about becoming a mother, I was comforted with the knowledge that I was raised by the best there is.  I was so excited to be able to honor her with Maya’s middle name.  It kills me that Maya does not get to grow up knowing that her middle name is the same at her Mima’s first name.  I know it would have made their connection that much more special.

Maya Francine Warrensford – a classic and beautiful name for a little girl who will always be my baby.  I say it daily.  I try to work her name into conversations and refer to her as often as I can.  I will not get to call to her that dinner is ready or that it is time to leave for dance class.  I will not get to write her beautiful name on Kindergarten registration.  So, I will say it as often as I can.  The best thing anyone can do for bereaved parents is say their baby’s name.  We love to hear it.

Nine Months

Dear Maya,

Oh my has this month flown by!  Mommy has been very busy at work but there still hasn’t been a day when I don’t think of my sweet girl.  This weekend, the show that Mommy assistant directed is performing.  It’s so fun – lots of bright colors and fun music.  I’ve been thinking all weekend about whether or not I would have brought you to one of the performances.  I think I would have tried.  I think you would have been mesmerized by the whole thing – falling in love with musical theatre early just like your Mommy.

It feels like winter doesn’t want to end.  I think both of us would have been itching to be able to go outside and play at this point.  The sun is shining and the snow is melting (slowly), but there is still a chill in the air.  Mommy and Daddy have lots of things we are looking forward to doing this spring/summer that involve being outside and finding joy in the beautiful world around us.  We both wish you were here to enjoy it too.

We continue to find things we can do to honor you and keep your memory alive.  Two weeks ago, Daddy and a whole bunch of Mommy’s friends ran into the frigid ocean wearing pink!  It was a fundraiser for one of the many organizations that has honored your little life.  We had a really great time and it was so nice to spend a day focused on you and only you.  I hope you realize Maya just how many people love you!

Mommy still gravitates towards anything pink!  Everything pink reminds me of you and it’s starting to catch on with others.  Occasionally, I’ll receive a message from a friend of something pink that reminded them of you.  It definitely would have been your color!  Today, I purchased pink tourmaline earrings that I will wear daily.  This way, on the days I’m not wearing pink you are still with me (I still wear my necklace daily too).  I absolutely LOVE these earrings!  They are the prettiest shade of pink and I know you would have loved them too!

At this point, we’d have been marveling over how much you’ve grown.  You’d probably have some words that we understood and dozens others that we didn’t understand.  You’d have favorite foods and a solid routine.  You’d have been a great sleeper just like Mommy.  We’d have gone shopping for a beautiful spring wardrobe and Daddy would have to remind Mommy that you were going to outgrow your clothes quickly and that I shouldn’t go too crazy.  This would have been such a fun time of year with you!

I say it every month Maya and I mean it – we love you and miss you so much.  We love you and miss you more and more with each passing day.  We feel your presence and see the lives you have touched.  We live life differently finding ways to keep your memory alive.  We love finding new ways to include you in the things that we do.

I love you my angel – always and forever.

Love always,

Mommy

Eight Months

My Dearest Maya,

I can’t believe so much time has passed.  I think this is the first time since the day you were born that the 16th falls on a Saturday – so I counted the weeks: 35 weeks since you were born and left us far too soon.  I carried you for 34 weeks, 6 days.  You have now been gone longer than you were with us and that breaks my heart.  It reminds me that I will live the rest of my life without you here and that time must pass.  I want so badly to go back to that day 35 weeks ago – I would have held you longer, given you more kisses, and taken more pictures of your beautiful face.

It’s now the middle of winter, which is always a tough time of year.  I can’t help but wonder how having you here would have made it more fun.  Adorable sweaters, cute little hats and mittens, and a little red nose would make this time of year not so bad.  We had our first major blizzard last weekend.  I thought about what it would have been like to dress you up as a little snow bunny and take pictures of you out in the snow.  I thought about holding you up at the window watching Daddy shovel as you marveled at the pretty snowflakes falling.  I thought about us all being cozy and warm inside the house together grateful for some extra family days at home.

We’ve passed what would have been your first Valentine’s Day.  I would have dressed you in the most adorable pink outfit and put pink bows in your hair.  You would have made Mommy and Daddy some kind of Valentine craft while at day care and we would have loved all over you when we got home.  We also would have given you some kind of Valentine themed toy or book.  It would have been a special day.

I imagine at this point you’d be trying lots of different kinds of foods, crawling all over the place and possibly pulling yourself up.  You’d be discovering new things every day and babbling all the time.  I think you’d love your room.  Every time I walk by I think of you looking at the beautiful mural your Daddy painted you.  I wonder if you’d have had a favorite character that you enjoyed looking at.

I hope you know how much you are loved and missed.  We think of you all the time and every day we find more and more that reminds us of you.  I’ve noticed that most mornings the sky is pink when I leave for work.  I think that’s you saying good morning and I hope you hear me saying good morning back.  As we slowly move into spring and the flowers start to grow, I know I will feel you around us more and more.

I miss you Maya.  I love you so much and am forever blessed that you are and will always be part of my life.

Love and miss you always and forever!

Love,

Mommy

Can a Single Year Be the Best and the Worst?

I have pondered that question and my last blog post of this year for several weeks.  The answer is yes.

From January to June 16th, almost exactly the first half of the year, I was the happiest I have ever been.  I had an amazing family, a fabulous husband, a beautiful dog, a perfect house, and a baby on the way.  (And I still have almost all those things.)  I was so enjoying preparing my life for a new little baby.  I was so ready for the next chapter.  During this time, we completed some projects on the house, prepared the nursery, each celebrated our 27th birthdays, had a beautiful baby shower, and hosted a lovely Mother’s Day gathering for my family.  I also finished my Master’s degree, which was a huge accomplishment.  It was a happy time.

Though my personal life felt quite perfect, my professional life was anything but.  I was having a miserable school year.  I loved working with my students, but the paperwork and politics that went along with the job made it so frustrating.  I tried so hard to do my best work and to do right for my students.  In the end, I was no longer happy as a special education teacher and I knew I had to find a way out.

I’m declaring June 16, 2012 the best and worst day of my life.  I delivered my daughter – my first born.  I felt the love that every mother describes.  I felt pride and joy over the fact that I had a daughter who could become as girly and artsy as her Mama.  I was excited to go shopping.  On this same day, the worst thing that could ever happen to a person did.  My child died.  I lost my baby and all the dreams and plans that went with her.  I felt emotional pain like none I’ve ever felt before.  I lost a huge part of myself and my world was shattered.  I was forever changed.

Since Maya was born and died, the rest of the year has been a roller coaster.  I have a new perspective on life.  I have developed a true understanding of what’s important and just how precious life is.  When my world shattered, I searched and searched for a way to put the pieces back together, only to realize that it’s out of my control.  When I let go and let the pieces drop back into place, I gained some clarity on my climb up the mountain.

I have reconnected with some old friends and grown more close to others.  I have been the recipient of some of the most beautiful acts of kindness and my faith in humanity has been restored.  I have made new friends, especially in the online world.  There are now people all over the world who know Maya’s story.  I no longer feel like I am on this journey alone.

I have grown closer to my husband than I ever felt possible.  We have both changed, and he has remained strong in these dark times.  I am so blessed to have such an amazing man by my side.

In addition to navigating this road and climbing this mountain called grief, other things have happened this year, and as I reflect, most of them have been good.  I finally got out of being a SPED teacher.  I am in a teaching position that I love and I feel so comfortable in my new role.  My job is my saving grace right now.  I went on some wonderful trips both before and after Maya was born and died.  While some of these trips were for the purpose of healing, they were enjoyable and memorable in their own right.

So yes.  2012 is the year that I lost my baby and felt more sadness and grief than I ever thought possible.  It was and hopefully will remain the worst experience of my life.  However, 2012 is also the year when some of the best things happened to me including the birth of my daughter, the completion of my Masters, a new job, new friends, and a new me.  I am slowly getting to know this new me and I like her.  Would I trade her in for my daughter?  Of course.  But that is not an option.

So, as we move into 2013, I am content with 2012.  I am sad to leave behind the year that brought little miss Maya into our lives.  However, I am entering 2013 with hope, comfort, and gratitude for the life that I have.  I look forward to getting to know the new me.  I look forward to letting go of the control and letting my path lay itself.  I’m not sure what lies ahead, but I am ready and excited!

I wish all of you a Happy New Year!  May 2013 bring you all that you hope for and more!

 

Six Months

Dear Maya,

Hi sweet girl!  I’ve felt you hanging around lately.  I was feeling quite sad as the holidays approached and then something shifted.  I was reminded that you have not been forgotten.  I’m continuing to find out just how many people have been effected by you and your precious little life.  More people all over the world are learning your name.  I have felt a virtual group hug by many near and far.  All the while, you whisper in my ear and tell me it’s going to be alright.

I believe you are safe.  I believe you are happy.  I believe you are proud of your mommy and daddy.  Still, I wish you were here with us.  We would have the Christmas tree up.  We would have lit the Hanukkah candles.  I think you would have loved looking at the lights and would have been mesmerized by the flickering candle flames.  We would have spoiled you so much – giving you new toys and books that you would surely have grown to love.  We would have dressed you up in the cutest holiday outfits!

I think you would have been sitting up by now and very into playing and discovering new tricks.  Your hair would have grown so quickly that I’d have had it in little pigtails with bows!  You would have been the center of attention at next week’s big family Hanukkah party!  You would have been showered with gifts and we would have all worked so hard to get you to laugh for the family picture.  Though, I think you would have hammed it up in front of the camera – super photogenic just like your mommy and daddy.  I know you are here with me and helping me move forward.  I’m not as sad as I use to be when I think about what life would be like with you here.  It’s my way of remembering you and thinking about you as much as I possibly can.

I know that you are helping Mommy and Daddy get through the holiday season.  We weren’t sure at first what to do, how to celebrate, if we even should celebrate…  One day, it became clear.  I think you are often bringing us clarity and lighting our path through our new normal.  We decided not to get a big tree.  Instead, we got you a tree!  A bright pink tree that sits in front of your Maya wall:

Do you love it!?  We have two ornaments on there.  The top one was given to us by your Auntie and Uncle and the bottom one we purchased for you!

We will get you at least one new ornament every year and eventually your little siblings will each pick one out or make one.  Your tree will be filled with love year after year!

I miss you so much Maya.  I am wearing pink today.  I’ve decided that from now on, I will wear pink on the 16th of every month.  The 16th is your very special day and for the rest of my life I will honor you on this day by wearing what I believe would have been your favorite color.  I have also been wearing pink to the holiday parties I’ve gone to, and bringing pink desserts as a way to include you!  It makes me feel really good that I’ve been figuring out ways to honor your life, share you with others, and have you with me no matter where I go or what I’m doing.

Continue to sit on my shoulder sweet girl.  I feel you there and I’m so grateful that you have touched so many others’ lives.  In these past six months you have done more for me than I could ever express.  You are simply amazing.

I love you my sweet angel, always and forever.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,

Mommy

People are Amazing

I have so much that I could write about!  It’s a nice change after two weeks of feeling uninspired/too tired to do anything but stare at the television.  This has been such a good week!  I try to identify the reasons why only to realize that there doesn’t have to be reasons for me to be happy.  I can just simply have a good week and enjoy it without over-analyzing the reasons why it’s good.

As I said, I have many things I want to write about.  Tonight, I’m writing a post that should have been written over a week ago…

Since Maya was born and died, many amazing things have happened to me.  I received a beautiful painting and a memory box filled with wonderful treasures.  I have met some amazing people both in the online world and in person.  I have grown closer to my husband in ways I didn’t think possible.  Still, as we approach the 6 month mark, I was starting to feel like Maya was being forgotten.  First, the pile of sympathy cards that arrived every day lessened and then vanished.  Then the calls and texts dwindled.  The facebook messages and comments are few and far between and usually only appear after I post something.  I started to realize that we were in a new stage now.  The fact that Maya died is no longer new news and the world has carried on.  I was comforted by the fact that I can share her here in this space and keep her memory alive in my own special ways.  However, it saddens me that no one else will get to know her the way that I do, and it scares me that she might be forgotten.

Last week, I was snapped out of this fear – very quickly.  It was Tuesday, and I had been having a very tough week/month.  No matter how hard I try to ignore it, the holiday season is staring me in the face, taunting me, and making me feel sick to my stomach.  I got home late from school and there was a package in the mailbox.  Before I go on, I must back up a little…

Six years ago, I had the privilege of traveling to Sydney, Australia for a semester to complete my student teaching practicum.  There were 11 of us in the program and we did a lot together.  The School of Education at BU was relatively small, so I knew the other 10 ladies in the program.  However, I wasn’t close friends with any of them.  While there, we all got along very well and shared many wonderful experiences together.  It’s an experience I hold very close to my heart and will forever cherish as one of the most amazing things I’ve ever done.

Though we all went our separate ways after returning from Sydney, I have always thought fondly of the girls who I shared the experience with.  It’s an experience that’s very unique and I shared it with some very special people, which brings me back to the package that I received on Tuesday…. One of the girls has been in touch on facebook and had asked for my address.  I didn’t think much of it.  The package was from her.  I opened it and there was first a stack of cards followed by an envelope.  I opened the cards one by one and read the kind words from each of the girls I had traveled to Sydney with… a stack of sympathy cards.  I cried as I was reminded that Maya continues to touch so many people.  Though they weren’t physically standing with me, I felt like I was in the center of a group hug.  I felt like they all had my back and were there for me at a time when I really needed it.

In the envelope was this:

It came from an artist in Sydney!  I couldn’t believe it!  The following message was included with the necklace:

This precious bottle is a gift from your friends in your study abroad program in Sydney, Australia with an enclosed message reading:

“Maya Francine, Forever in Our Hearts”

The flowers inside are real dried Australian ‘Broom Bloom’ flower blossoms resembling Baby’s Breath.  They are ever-lasting and symbolize the eternal memory of your precious daughter Maya Francine whose soul will live on forever in the hearts of her loved ones.  The gold Tibetan flower charm attached to the rim of the bottle is also a symbol of purity, rebirth and divinity, all sacred elements of her beautiful memory and pure soul.

I can’t quite put into words what this gift did for me.  Of course, many more tears fell, but they were happy tears.  They were tears of joy as I was reminded that there are many kind and beautiful people in this world.  I reread each of the cards and told the story of my new necklace to those close to me.  This is one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received and I love that my experience in Sydney is now forever connected to my precious angel.  I have worn my necklace several times now and have received many complements.  I love it!

Throughout life, I have found myself as a member of many different groups of people.  I think most people could say this.  There are the childhood friends, the high school friends, the camp friends, the acquaintances, the dance class, the marching band, the colleagues, and for me, the Sydney friends.  I feel so blessed to be a part of this group and am so grateful for their generosity and kind spirits.  They helped turn a rather gloomy month brighter and gave me something that will not only help  me to remember Maya, but also all of them and the fantastic experience we shared together.

 

An Emotional Weekend

I’m struggling today.  It’s been a very emotional weekend, and I’m lacking motivation.  I’m even having to force myself to write.  I feel like often now life is very rushed and very routine.  The work week follows a steady beat and the weekends are often filled with plans that involve coming and going and running out of time to do everything that needs to get done.  Then, a day like today finds its way in.  I had the day off, Hackie had to work.  I had no plans – just the typical household weekend stuff like laundry and grocery shopping.  I didn’t want to do anything.  I considered staying in bed and feeling sad, acknowledging that my loss and my grief are still very new.  I didn’t want to do that either.  So I forced myself to function today.  It took quite a bit of effort, but I made it through most of the day.

Now that I’ve spilled my feelings for the day, I will get on to what I really wanted to write about this evening – the weekend.

As I said, it was pretty emotional.  Saturday was my nephew’s first birthday party.  This is my best friend’s son.  During my pregnancy, I thought about his first birthday party.  I thought that it would most likely be Maya’s first party.  I thought about getting to show her off to my friend’s family.  I thought about finally not being the only one in her circle of friend’s without a child.  I was so excited.  After Maya died, she told me that she would understand if I couldn’t muster up the strength to be there.  I never thought twice about it.  I wanted to be there for her and for my nephew.  I wanted to celebrate with everyone and see her family, who is like my second family.  I prepared myself and acknowledged that the fact that I had specifically looked forward to bringing Maya might make this extra difficult.  What I did not prepare myself for was the fact that we were going to a first birthday party, and that Maya doesn’t get to have a first birthday party.  It was a gorgeous day and a wonderful party.  It was so nice to see my friend’s family.  It was nearing the end and Hackie and I were talking about getting ready to go.  I lost it.  I’m not even sure what thought it was that triggered my tears, but I lost it.  I tried to pull myself together, but it was so hard.  Maya should have been there.  I should have finally been able to relate to all the young mommies there.  I try so hard to be strong, but sometimes the raw grief creeps in in a way that can’t be avoided.  I felt so bad that I lost it on my nephew’s special day.  Everyone was very understanding and gave me such supportive hugs as I said goodbye through a mess of tears.  I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life.

When I posted about the March for Babies, a wonderful reader left a comment informing me about Walk to Remember.  I looked it up, managed to register at the last minute, and Hackie and I went yesterday.  It was beautiful.  There was a ceremony held before the walk where some poems were read, songs were sung, and all the babies’ names were read.  It was so emotional.  It was nice to be able to cry and to know that I was surrounded by people who knew why and who understood my pain.  I read a lot of messages in the program that referred to rainbow babies and there were a lot of families there with young children.  It gave me hope.  I told Hackie that I hope to do the Walk to Remember every year and look forward to bringing our future rainbow babies there with us.

While it was definitely an emotional weekend, it was a very good weekend.  The fact that we lost Maya was very present and I felt the raw emotions that come with losing her.  Sometimes, it’s good for me to feel the pain – it helps me acknowledge her life and remember how much she has affected me.

Here are some pictures from the walk:

The front of the program.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maya’s name in the program and our message to her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maya’s name on the back of the t-shirt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The perfect fall day for a beautiful walk in memory of our angel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll end this post with a poem that was included with the registration materials.  It resonates so much with me and makes my heart smile.  I love you Maya.  I walked for you yesterday and I will walk for you this coming Saturday.  I will walk for you for the rest of my days and never forget all that you’ve taught me.

A Walk To Remember

I walk to remember
the steps you’ll never take.
I carry you with me
as I firmly plant my feet.

Our trek started long ago,
before my belly swelled.
You were a love that grew–
like butterfly wings that beat.
Your gentle flutters then became
kicks upon which I would dwell.
And I would talk to you, sweet babe,
about the world you soon would meet.

The sun always hone upon us then–
when you were in my womb.
And I was eager to show you the world
that would have been your home.

How you’d have loved the sun shining–
blue skies without a cloud.
The autumn leaves turning–
the snow falling all around.
The flowers in the summer–
would have filled your eyes with smiles.
And the rain that might have fallen
would have caused you great surprise.

You would have traveled far with me–
holding me by the hand.
And I’d have shown you all I could–
more than I can imagine.

You hold my HEART tightly now,
as though we’re holding hands.
How far we’ve traveled, little one–
and my life with you has been sweet.
For I carry you in my heart
as I firmly plant my feet.

Kathie Mayo

Three Months

My darling Maya,

You would have turned 3 months old today!  I’d probably be wondering where the last three months have gone and be marveling at how big you’ve gotten.  I would have learned what makes you happy and your favorite song to fall asleep to.  We would spend lots of time rocking in the glider.  I would have read to you, sang to you, and talked to you every chance that I got.  That glider is still sitting in the box.   I want so badly to really finish your nursery since it was so close to being done.  We have opened the door now, and I don’t want it to look like a storage room.

This past month has gone by very slowly.  It’s been the slowest moving month since we said hello and goodbye.  Daddy and I miss you so much.  We were so looking forward to adding you to our family and raising you.  Now, we struggle with what’s next and what we can look forward to.  I think we’ve found something to focus on for the next month.  For you my dear girl, we will walk in the March for Babies and raise money to help bring more healthy babies into this world.  I’m looking forward to doing this for you and I know you will be with us on that day.

I had to go back to work a few weeks ago.  It’s been really tough, especially this past week.  I’ve cried many tears – I want to be sad whenever I want and be able to cry when I need to, but I can’t.  It bottles up and comes out all at once – life is so hard without you here.  Somehow, I am getting through.  I have felt your presence so often.  You are giving me the strength to get through each day and to foster a love of learning for my students.  I often pause and think about you – that brings a smile to my face.

As things in my life have settled down and some sort of routine has returned to our lives, I’ve struggled to understand my purpose in life.  My routine was supposed to include hanging out with you all day and my purpose was to be your mommy.  I know I am still your mommy and am figuring out what that means for us.  This past week, I received a note from a friend who became a mommy just 8 days before I did.  She explained how much your story has affected her as a mother.  This note made me realize that my purpose as your mommy is to share your story and to help others realize just how precious our children are.  If those who read your story hug their kids a little tighter, spend 5 extra minutes enjoying the nice weather outside, or simply take an extra minute each day to acknowledge the good things in their lives, I will have served my purpose and I will have served your purpose.  Together, my darling Maya, we are helping others acknowledge and appreciate the beauty in their lives.

Oh Maya!  How I wish you were here with me and with your gigantic family!  We all miss you so much.  Continue to smile down on us – we feel your presence every day.

I love you my gorgeous girl!

Love always,

Mommy

 

Progress.

Today I am feeling hopeful.  Hopeful for this upcoming week.  Hopeful for the month of September.  Hopeful for good things to come.  Last night, we had a blue moon – the second full moon of the month.  This will not happen again until July 2015.  I went outside with Hackie and we wished on the moon.

As you may remember from this post, I say “Rabbit, Rabbit” on the first of every month.  It’s supposed to be the first thing out of your mouth, though I’m not sure I’ve ever remembered first thing.  I tend to talk to myself in the morning and by the time I remember it’s the 1st of the month, I’ve said other things.  This morning, however, I looked at the clock at 1:50 and I whispered “Rabbit, Rabbit”.  It was definitely the first thing I said today.  I am so hopeful that September will bring good days.

Part of what has me feeling so hopeful today is that I have spent much of the day reflecting on how far I have come.  It has been exactly 11 weeks since Maya was born and died.  At first, I couldn’t focus enough to read, I cried several times a day, and couldn’t fathom how I would ever function successfully again.  I didn’t want to go to the grocery store or out to dinner.  With each week, I reached a new milestone.  I started and finished 2 books, I went to the grocery store, I did the dishes and the laundry.  Some of these milestones I remember vividly.  For a long time, I didn’t want to do any errands by myself.  I was willing to travel alone to reach a destination like a friend’s house or my mom’s, but I didn’t want to walk into a store by myself for fear that something would set me off or upset me.  One afternoon, maybe a  month ago, Hackie was building some shelves for our bedroom.  He needed wood glue and sandpaper.  He was covered in sawdust and asked me to run to the hardware store.  I remember thinking, “but I don’t do errands by myself”.  The rational side of me kicked in and I realized that he was building these shelves for me, and I needed to run this errand for him.  I remember that milestone very clearly because I felt like it was true progress in my journey towards healing.

Heading back to work was major progress.  Getting through each week will feel like progress.  Making plans for the end of September feels like progress.  Progress feels good.  I have gone shopping by myself both yesterday and today – progress.  I walked by children’s clothing stores and felt OK – sure, it stings, but baby clothes and I have to co-exist in this world so I have to figure out a way to be OK with it.  I went to the grocery store by myself and I found myself wondering – is this the first time I’ve gone grocery shopping alone?  Did I miss that milestone?  I honestly can’t remember – so maybe it’s not that big of a deal.

When I reflect on how much progress I have made, I am hopeful for what the next month will bring.  I am hopeful it will bring more progress.  I have had moments when I think of Maya and smile rather than feel sad.  I am hoping to have more of those moments.  I planted some sunflower seeds back in April.  Maya and I planted them together.  The flowers have opened.  They are so beautiful and they make me think of Maya and smile.

While shopping today, I found a pink candle.  The scent is ‘pink sands’ .  It is the prettiest shade of pink and it smells so good.  It now sits on my desk burning and it makes me think of Maya and smile.

Today went by fast.  I was motivated to get a lot done on my list and I was productive.  I feel good and I am so happy to start a new month with a good day.  A good day.  That’s progress too because for this longest time I would say that no day was good.  I would describe my days as ‘bad days’ and ‘better days’.  Now, I can say I have had a good day.  I know Maya is smiling down on me and is proud that her mommy is living on, feeling hopeful, and experiencing brighter moments.