A lot has happened this week. And I feel different. Things have started to shift.
We decided to do the March for Babies, which helped me release some of my guilt and regret. Last weekend we received our touched-up pictures from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, which is an incredible organization. Since Maya had tape across her upper lip holding her breathing tubes in place, she has a very red bruise across her upper lip in all of our pictures. The photographer who donates her time to this wonderful organization touched up these photos so our baby’s face is just perfect. Once we got the pictures, we created our Maya wall in our living room:
It gives me so much pleasure to have these pictures finally displayed. I feel like she is now more a part of our home – her home.
As I mentioned previously, we put off purchasing Maya’s urn for a long time. Originally, we didn’t think we’d get one and thought we’d mix her ashes in with the soil that will be used to plant her tree in the spring. We asked the funeral home to hold onto them. Right around her due date, I changed my mind and we started looking at urns. It didn’t take long to find one we liked. What took a while was mustering up the strength to purchase it. I found every excuse in the book and put it off for weeks. It felt so final and I didn’t want to admit to myself that, at 27, I needed to purchase an urn for my daughter’s remains. Then, I started to feel guilty. When it arrived, it took another week to call the funeral home and inform them that we were ready to have Maya home. Yesterday, she arrived.
I thought I would be more sad. I thought I would cry. Instead, a feeling of comfort and contentment came over me. Maya is now home. I look at her urn and smile, knowing she is here with us.
I mentioned that things have started to shift and that I feel different. About a month ago, CarlyMarie posted a project that involved making prayer flags for a candle lighting that would take place on the same beach where Maya’s name was written in the sand. I thought it was a beautiful idea, but could not find the motivation to participate. Yesterday, that changed, and I decided that I needed to make a flag and I needed to do it right away so it would get to Australia in time. Hackie and I went to the fabric store and I was up until after midnight (very late for me) making this:
I wrote the poem, I hand-stitched the fabric, and I thought of my Maya the whole time. This morning, it got sent to Australia and I am so happy that I found the strength to participate in this wonderful event.
With all of these things, I have felt very different in this journey called grief. The foggy haze that I have felt myself in for the last three months has lifted slightly. Someone at the hospital told us that we will somehow figure out a way to make meaning out of this horrific tragedy. I’m starting to understand what that means. Physically and mentally doing things for Maya – the walk, our wall, her flag, and having her home has helped me make meaning out of her life. I feel motivated to go forward and I’m eager and excited to do as much as I possibly can to honor my little girl and keep her memory alive.