Tag Archive | monthly letter

Happy 2nd Birthday Maya

My Dear Sweet Maya,

Happy Happy Birthday my sweet girl!  I can’t believe you would have turned 2 years old today!  Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and other times it feels like an eternity.  I imagine you’d wake up super excited to celebrate and spend the day with Mommy, Daddy, and your baby brother.  At this point you would have understood how special your birthday is and we would have made sure to say Happy Birthday as many times as possible throughout the day.

I’ve been dreaming of what you’d be like now.  I imagine you’d have tons of energy and love to run and play.  We’d go to the playground every day so that you could run around and go on the swings.  I imagine you’d be quite the girly girl just like your Mama.  You’d love pink and dolls and getting your hair done.  Your hair!  I bet it would be down past your shoulders now and super curly – just like Mommy’s was when she was little.  I imagine you’d love to talk and tell stories and ask questions.  I imagine you’d love books and being read to every night.  I bet by now you’d take the book and “read” it yourself.  I imagine you’d love arts and crafts and would always want to do a new project or just sit and color.  You’d love listening to showtunes with Mommy and going bowling with Daddy.  You’d love life and be a happy little girl.

I imagine you’d be an amazing big sister to Oliver.  You’d want to help Mommy whenever you could.  You’d help me pick out his clothes and make him smile and laugh.  You’d talk to him whenever you had the opportunity.  You’d share your toys and books.  He would be smitten with you – watching you play and listening to you talk.  I know you are here with us.  I know you are proud of how your Mommy and Daddy are raising your little brother.  I know you are looking down on him and smiling.  He already knows who you are.  We tell Oliver about you all the time and he looks at your pictures on the wall.

Today we will go to the aquarium.  I imagine if you were here that’s how we would spend the day.  We decided to use your birthday as an opportunity to make memories for ourselves and for your younger siblings.  We think that’s what you’d want us to do.  We miss you so much Maya.  We want so badly to know what life would be like with you here with us.  We want to know how well you and Oliver would have gotten along.  We spend our days with Oliver wondering if you would have been just as easy and happy as he is… we think you would have.

Through the sadness, we are comforted with the knowledge that your little life continues to matter.  We are so much better parents because of you.  We soak up every ounce of joy that we have with each other and with your baby brother.  We appreciate the small, quiet moments.  I thank you every day for teaching me just how precious life is.  Your life continues to matter to those around us too.  We share your story and people remember you.  We talk about your life openly and people learn that time with our loved ones is a gift that can be taken at any moment so enjoy every second.  You are so loved.  Your life continues to matter and your legacy lives on in us and in your baby brother.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much Maya.  We miss you terribly.  We are comforted knowing that you are here with us and are proud of how far we have come in two years.  We are able to live joyfully and spread happiness through memories of you.  We have brought meaning to your life and will continue to share what you have taught us.

Happy Happy Birthday my sweet girl.  I miss you and love you always always always and forever.

Love,

Mommy

18 Months

My Dearest Maya,

You would have been 18 months old today.  I’ve thought all day about what you’d be like.  Walking, talking, set in your ways, and eagerly anticipating the holiday season.  I know you’d have quite the personality and would always keep Daddy and I on our toes.  I imagine we would have filled this month with lots of fun family activities.  You’d be the life of every holiday party.  I picture you looking a lot like Mommy looked at your age – curly hair about shoulder length, chubby chubby cheeks, and an adorable button nose!  Oh how I would love to see your beautiful face!

Even though I don’t write here as often as I used to, I still think about you daily.  I say goodnight to you every night and tell you I love you when I see the gorgeous pink sky.  Any time the clock reads 6:16, I know you’re saying hi.  I miss you so much.  Sometimes, I feel bad that life has gone on without you here.  But then I remember that you are here.  We live our lives the way we do because of you.  You continue to help us understand what is important, especially this time of year.

Your little brother/sister is doing well – continuing to grow inside Mommy’s belly.  I ask you every morning to continue watching over him/her.  I know you are with us.  I know that you have helped Mommy get through this pregnancy.  It’s been scary, but knowing I have my little angel on my shoulder helps the days pass by.  I wish you were here to anticipate the new baby’s arrival.  I wish we could enjoy this baby through your eyes.  But I know that we will be better parents because of you.  I know we will make a conscious effort to cherish each and every moment.  That is how I have approached this pregnancy – every day is a gift and I must enjoy all the time I have with this new little life.

Happy 18 months sweet angel.  Keep watching out for Mommy and Daddy.  Be with us in the weeks to come as we prepare to bring this baby into the world.

I love you and miss you always and forever.

Love Love Love,

Mommy

Happy 1st Birthday Maya!

Dearest Maya,

Happy Birthday my darling girl!  I can’t believe it has been a whole year!  So much has changed!  We live our lives for you and are so proud to be your parents.  Mommy has been and will continue wearing pink every day this month for you, my little angel.

We had a beautiful celebration yesterday.  We dedicated your garden surrounded by so many people who love you and miss you very much (and who were all wearing pink!)  Your little life has had a huge impact on this world.  You have taught your Mommy and Daddy how to love in a new way.

I wish you were here to celebrate your birthday with us!  We would have gone out to breakfast and probably taken you to the zoo or the aquarium.  We would have showered you with presents and lots of love!

We will have cake for you and sing to you this evening.  I know you are here with us.

Happy Happy Happy Birthday my sweet Maya.

We love you always and forever!

Love Love Love!

Mommy


Eleven Months

Dearest Maya,

You would have turned 11 months old today!  Oh my goodness!  Where has the time gone?  I can’t believe the next letter I will write you will be on your birthday.  I imagine by now you surely would have been walking and saying some words.  You would have favorite foods, favorite books, and a solid routine.  The weather has finally gotten consistently nice and I know you would have loved being outdoors.  I would have taken you down to the playground to swing on the swings every day when we got home.  I think you would also have had a full head of hair by now!  I would put it in the most adorable pigtails every day.

It’s been rough for Mommy.  Mother’s Day has come and gone and you weren’t here to wake me up with the gorgeous smile I know you would have had.  You weren’t here to pose in the big family picture and play with all your big cousins who you would have known as aunties and uncles.  Your absence was felt greatly and it was a sad day for Mommy.  This time of year is also hard because Mommy’s birthday is coming up and again, you won’t be here to smile at me and celebrate with me.  I know you would have loved this time of year as much as I do.

I think you’ve been hanging around a lot.  I want to believe that, anyway.  Daddy shut the door to your nursery when he was working on the bathroom so sawdust wouldn’t get in there and when he came back from the store, it was opened.  Was that you?  When the channel changed from the dreadful news to Sesame Street – I think you had something to do with that too.  I also think you’ve developed a special little connection with Halee.  She’s been sleeping in your room a lot and waking me up at odd hours of the night for no reason.  This morning when she was intent on making sure I was up, I had a thought… is she trying to tell me you need me?  That sounds so silly, but I think that’s what she would have done.  I think Halee would have been my little baby monitor – sleeping by your crib and alerting me when you were in need.  Rather than think of it all as strange or spooky, I’m comforted by it.  I know you’re around.  I feel you on my shoulder and know that you are watching over me.

We’ve planted your garden!  We were going to plant one cherry blossom and some other perennials, but then Mama fell in love with a second kind of cherry blossom so you got two trees!  Only the best for my sweet girl!  We’ll dedicate this garden to you the day before your birthday.  There are many people who love you very much who are going to come and be a part of this special day.  I hope you will be watching and I hope you will bring us sunshine!  We’ll be sending you bunches of balloons with messages from all those who love you so so much!

I can’t believe just how fast these 11 months have gone by.  Sometimes, I am grateful that time is moving and I am living life and finding joy.  Other times, I feel sad – the more time that passes, the farther away our time together becomes.  I will always hold the memories close though.  My time with you still seems like just yesterday.  I hope it stays that way.

I miss you so much Maya.  I say it every month because I will never stop missing you.  I wish so badly I had you here, my sweet 11 month old, and that we were planning your birthday party.  Still, I am grateful.  You have given me so much – to be a better, nicer, and healthier person.  To cherish the time I have, find joy, and smile in hopes of brightening someone else’s day.

I love you my sweet angel.  Always and Forever.

Lots of love,

Mommy

Ten Months

My dearest Maya,

I have pondered long and hard on what to write to you today.  Tragedy struck our beloved city of Boston yesterday and I am struggling with what to say to you.  I have been working very hard these last 23 hours since I found out to focus on the thousands upon thousands of people who did good in the wake of tragedy – the people who committed selfless good deeds as they rushed to help.  I have found myself wondering – is it better that Maya is not growing up in this world?  This world that, in our country alone, has seen three heinous acts in the 10 months since your birth and death (Aurora, Newtown, Boston).  My answer to that question is absolutely not.  You should be here.  It is not better.  It is devastating that these kinds of things happen, but what happens after is a true testament to the human spirit.  Love, support, and uniting together in the wake of tragedy is what defines us as people.  I wish you could know that.  I wish you could grow up to feel the pride for Boston that I feel.  Boston is our city.  Boston is where Mommy went to school, where Mommy and Daddy spent so much time together, and it’s where we took you to the circus just about a year ago.  It’s also where Mommy and Daddy held you for the first and last time.  You would have loved Boston and OUR city will prevail and come out of this stronger and more united than ever before.

I’ve also spent a lot of time wondering what we would have done today if you were here.  Spring has FINALLY showed up!  We’ve been taking Halee on walks through the woods and I keep picturing your Daddy wearing the baby carrier with you in it.  It’s school vacation week and Daddy and I are both off.  We would have planned our week around you and have probably experienced many firsts together.  First trip to the zoo where we would have met your Mima, first ride on the swings, first picnic… who knows?  We would have taken full advantage of being together as a family and enjoying the nice weather.

I imagine by now you would have been close to walking.  Sure, you would have been just 10 months, but like I said before you would have been very advanced :)  We’d all be marveling at how much you’ve grown and what a wonderful personality you’re developing.  We’d all be wondering where the time has gone.  10 months is such a fun baby age – they all are.  I wish we could have experienced them with you.

Mommy is preparing to make some big changes, which I’ll write more on later.  In a nutshell, the goal is to live a healthier life.  You have taught me just how precious life is and how quickly it can change.  I have to be my best self for you, for your Daddy, and for myself.  I’m willing to do whatever it takes to feel the best that I can and squeeze every ounce of joy out of every day.

We miss you so much, Maya.  I can’t believe 10 months has come and gone.  I want time to stop.  I want to move backwards to the time when I held you in my arms.  I would have held you longer, given you more kisses, taken more pictures, and savored that moment.  I know that I need to move forward in time and continue through life.  I know that’s what you want for Mommy and Daddy.  I just wish you were here.

I love you my sweet angel.  I miss you more today than I did yesterday and I will miss you more tomorrow.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Always and Forever,

Mommy

Nine Months

Dear Maya,

Oh my has this month flown by!  Mommy has been very busy at work but there still hasn’t been a day when I don’t think of my sweet girl.  This weekend, the show that Mommy assistant directed is performing.  It’s so fun – lots of bright colors and fun music.  I’ve been thinking all weekend about whether or not I would have brought you to one of the performances.  I think I would have tried.  I think you would have been mesmerized by the whole thing – falling in love with musical theatre early just like your Mommy.

It feels like winter doesn’t want to end.  I think both of us would have been itching to be able to go outside and play at this point.  The sun is shining and the snow is melting (slowly), but there is still a chill in the air.  Mommy and Daddy have lots of things we are looking forward to doing this spring/summer that involve being outside and finding joy in the beautiful world around us.  We both wish you were here to enjoy it too.

We continue to find things we can do to honor you and keep your memory alive.  Two weeks ago, Daddy and a whole bunch of Mommy’s friends ran into the frigid ocean wearing pink!  It was a fundraiser for one of the many organizations that has honored your little life.  We had a really great time and it was so nice to spend a day focused on you and only you.  I hope you realize Maya just how many people love you!

Mommy still gravitates towards anything pink!  Everything pink reminds me of you and it’s starting to catch on with others.  Occasionally, I’ll receive a message from a friend of something pink that reminded them of you.  It definitely would have been your color!  Today, I purchased pink tourmaline earrings that I will wear daily.  This way, on the days I’m not wearing pink you are still with me (I still wear my necklace daily too).  I absolutely LOVE these earrings!  They are the prettiest shade of pink and I know you would have loved them too!

At this point, we’d have been marveling over how much you’ve grown.  You’d probably have some words that we understood and dozens others that we didn’t understand.  You’d have favorite foods and a solid routine.  You’d have been a great sleeper just like Mommy.  We’d have gone shopping for a beautiful spring wardrobe and Daddy would have to remind Mommy that you were going to outgrow your clothes quickly and that I shouldn’t go too crazy.  This would have been such a fun time of year with you!

I say it every month Maya and I mean it – we love you and miss you so much.  We love you and miss you more and more with each passing day.  We feel your presence and see the lives you have touched.  We live life differently finding ways to keep your memory alive.  We love finding new ways to include you in the things that we do.

I love you my angel – always and forever.

Love always,

Mommy

Eight Months

My Dearest Maya,

I can’t believe so much time has passed.  I think this is the first time since the day you were born that the 16th falls on a Saturday – so I counted the weeks: 35 weeks since you were born and left us far too soon.  I carried you for 34 weeks, 6 days.  You have now been gone longer than you were with us and that breaks my heart.  It reminds me that I will live the rest of my life without you here and that time must pass.  I want so badly to go back to that day 35 weeks ago – I would have held you longer, given you more kisses, and taken more pictures of your beautiful face.

It’s now the middle of winter, which is always a tough time of year.  I can’t help but wonder how having you here would have made it more fun.  Adorable sweaters, cute little hats and mittens, and a little red nose would make this time of year not so bad.  We had our first major blizzard last weekend.  I thought about what it would have been like to dress you up as a little snow bunny and take pictures of you out in the snow.  I thought about holding you up at the window watching Daddy shovel as you marveled at the pretty snowflakes falling.  I thought about us all being cozy and warm inside the house together grateful for some extra family days at home.

We’ve passed what would have been your first Valentine’s Day.  I would have dressed you in the most adorable pink outfit and put pink bows in your hair.  You would have made Mommy and Daddy some kind of Valentine craft while at day care and we would have loved all over you when we got home.  We also would have given you some kind of Valentine themed toy or book.  It would have been a special day.

I imagine at this point you’d be trying lots of different kinds of foods, crawling all over the place and possibly pulling yourself up.  You’d be discovering new things every day and babbling all the time.  I think you’d love your room.  Every time I walk by I think of you looking at the beautiful mural your Daddy painted you.  I wonder if you’d have had a favorite character that you enjoyed looking at.

I hope you know how much you are loved and missed.  We think of you all the time and every day we find more and more that reminds us of you.  I’ve noticed that most mornings the sky is pink when I leave for work.  I think that’s you saying good morning and I hope you hear me saying good morning back.  As we slowly move into spring and the flowers start to grow, I know I will feel you around us more and more.

I miss you Maya.  I love you so much and am forever blessed that you are and will always be part of my life.

Love and miss you always and forever!

Love,

Mommy

Seven Months

Dear Sweet Maya,

It has been too long since I’ve written here.  Though it seems fitting that my first post of 2013 is my seven month letter to you.  Exactly seven months after I found out I was pregnant, I gave birth to you.  Today is very symbolic.  After today, you will have been gone longer than we knew you were there.  It makes me sad.  These last seven months have gone by faster than the seven months I knew I was carrying you.  This makes me sad too.  I find myself wanting to go backwards.  The more time that passes, the farther I feel from you.  I have to work so hard to keep your memory alive, and to remind others that you were and still are very much a part of our lives.

I miss you sweet girl.  Every day, I feel like I can’t possibly miss you any more and then the next day my longing for you becomes stronger.  The longer we go without you, the more I miss you.  I wish you were here.  I wish my life were different.  I want so badly to care for you.  I want to change your diaper, give you a bath, dress you in adorable clothes, read to you, and sing you to sleep.  I want to kiss your chubby feet and laugh alongside you as you discover new things.  I want the life I was supposed to have.

Winter has set in and we’ve had a few good snows.  I fantasize about taking you down to the park to go sledding.  Daddy and I would have taken turns holding you on our laps as we rode down the hill.  I would have loved taking picture of you all bundled up – your little nose all red.  I think you would have really loved being outside.

I’m sure you would have been crawling by now.  We would have baby-proofed the house and Halee would have followed you around as you crawled from room to room.  I think she misses you too.  She lays on the floor of your nursery almost every day and I see a longing in her eyes.  She knows that Mommy and Daddy miss you.  She feels our pain.  You would have loved your furry sister and she would have been so protective of you.

By now you’d be developing a little personality.  You’d have likes and dislikes – oh, how I wish I knew what those were.  I think you would have laughed a lot, but I also think you would have been a little curious trouble maker.  Just like Mommy and Daddy – I think you would have loved to try new things and take risks.  It would have been so fun to watch you grow, develop, and learn.

We are almost halfway through the winter – two and a half seasons without you here.  It’s not getting any easier.  In fact, as time marches on we discover more of what you are missing – more of what we are missing without you here.  There are more events you should be at, more plans that should be different, more reminders of what life should be.

Maya, I hope you know just how much I love you.  You have made Mommy and Daddy’s love for each other stronger.  You have helped me to see just how precious life is.  You have made me look at life through a different lens and understand what is truly important.

I miss you my sweet girl.

I love you always and forever.

Love always,

Mommy

Six Months

Dear Maya,

Hi sweet girl!  I’ve felt you hanging around lately.  I was feeling quite sad as the holidays approached and then something shifted.  I was reminded that you have not been forgotten.  I’m continuing to find out just how many people have been effected by you and your precious little life.  More people all over the world are learning your name.  I have felt a virtual group hug by many near and far.  All the while, you whisper in my ear and tell me it’s going to be alright.

I believe you are safe.  I believe you are happy.  I believe you are proud of your mommy and daddy.  Still, I wish you were here with us.  We would have the Christmas tree up.  We would have lit the Hanukkah candles.  I think you would have loved looking at the lights and would have been mesmerized by the flickering candle flames.  We would have spoiled you so much – giving you new toys and books that you would surely have grown to love.  We would have dressed you up in the cutest holiday outfits!

I think you would have been sitting up by now and very into playing and discovering new tricks.  Your hair would have grown so quickly that I’d have had it in little pigtails with bows!  You would have been the center of attention at next week’s big family Hanukkah party!  You would have been showered with gifts and we would have all worked so hard to get you to laugh for the family picture.  Though, I think you would have hammed it up in front of the camera – super photogenic just like your mommy and daddy.  I know you are here with me and helping me move forward.  I’m not as sad as I use to be when I think about what life would be like with you here.  It’s my way of remembering you and thinking about you as much as I possibly can.

I know that you are helping Mommy and Daddy get through the holiday season.  We weren’t sure at first what to do, how to celebrate, if we even should celebrate…  One day, it became clear.  I think you are often bringing us clarity and lighting our path through our new normal.  We decided not to get a big tree.  Instead, we got you a tree!  A bright pink tree that sits in front of your Maya wall:

Do you love it!?  We have two ornaments on there.  The top one was given to us by your Auntie and Uncle and the bottom one we purchased for you!

We will get you at least one new ornament every year and eventually your little siblings will each pick one out or make one.  Your tree will be filled with love year after year!

I miss you so much Maya.  I am wearing pink today.  I’ve decided that from now on, I will wear pink on the 16th of every month.  The 16th is your very special day and for the rest of my life I will honor you on this day by wearing what I believe would have been your favorite color.  I have also been wearing pink to the holiday parties I’ve gone to, and bringing pink desserts as a way to include you!  It makes me feel really good that I’ve been figuring out ways to honor your life, share you with others, and have you with me no matter where I go or what I’m doing.

Continue to sit on my shoulder sweet girl.  I feel you there and I’m so grateful that you have touched so many others’ lives.  In these past six months you have done more for me than I could ever express.  You are simply amazing.

I love you my sweet angel, always and forever.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,

Mommy

Five Months

Dear Maya,

You would have been five months old today!  Such a fun age!  We would know all the things that make you laugh and all the things that make you mad.  We would have gone shopping for a winter wardrobe and picked out a cute Thanksgiving outfit for your first Thanksgiving.  We would be getting ready to send you to daycare, which would have been so hard for mommy, but so exciting for you.  Life would be so good.

I miss you so much my dear girl.  The world has dulled slightly without you here.  Daddy and I are doing our best to stay busy and have hope for the future.  We talk about you constantly and most of the time smile when we say your name.  There is so much that we do that we wish we could share with you.  I’m often so sad when I think of the things you will not get to experience.

Today has been especially hard because exactly one year ago, Daddy and I found out you were growing in my belly.  We named you Boo for the time being and dreamed of what you would be like.  We immediately made lots of plans for you and discussed how we’d change our lives to fit you in.  I’ll never forget that day.

I’m sorry you don’t get to experience Thanksgiving.  It’s Mommy’s favorite holiday and involves lots of eating.  I’m not sure how much you would have gotten to eat of the Thanksgiving meal.  Perhaps some baby food, though I’m not sure we’d be there yet.  I think you would have been a good eater.  I think you would have been growing so well.

Daddy and I miss your cheeks.  We knew you’d have chubby, kissable cheeks because Daddy and I both have those cheeks.  We would have kissed them all the time.  I think by now you’d have those cute chubby thighs and the little line around your wrists.  Everyone would have been so excited to see you at Thanksgiving and your cousins would have had so much fun playing with you!

I love you so much Maya.  Please help Daddy and I get through our first big holiday without you here.  Sit on our shoulders and whisper in our ears that you’re here and that you’re OK.

It’s hard to believe another month has gone by.  Somehow, perhaps with your help, we are surviving and we are living.

I love you always and forever.

Love bunches,

Mommy