These past two weeks have gone by really fast. They’ve been productive, I’ve been feeling better physically, I’m sleeping really well, and Hackie and I are very much in sync with each other. Overall, life has been going smoothly and I think that helps time move. However, I’m not all that thrilled at how fast these past two weeks have gone. I feel like the holidays are fast approaching and I’m not ready. I feel like I’m in a car, driving head first into Thanksgiving, trying desperately to come to a screeching halt and realizing that my brakes don’t work. (If that doesn’t paint you a visual picture of how I feel, I’m not sure what will.)
Before I get to and then get through Thanksgiving, I have to get through tomorrow – I’m dreading it. Tomorrow is the 16th and Maya’s 5 month birthday / angelversary. It also marks one year since my positive pregnancy test. For the past two weeks, I think at least once a day “at this time last year, I was pregnant but I didn’t know it”. Starting tomorrow, I will think about what it felt like to get the positive test, to know that I was growing a human, to get excited about telling our parents and friends, to know that my life was changing forever. I remember that day so well – it was busy, but so exciting. Now, I will spend my days thinking, “at this time last year, I was pregnant and so eager and excited”. I will remember how naive I was at this time last year. I will think fondly of all the memories that go along with my pregnancy. I will reflect on how different I am now and obsess over how long it will be before I can feel that level of joy and anticipation again. Tomorrow will be a tough day. I know that. Having to work will help – I think. Knowing that the day will end will help. Hackie and I have planned a date for tomorrow night so I’m hoping that will make it a little easier to get through.
Thanksgiving is heavily weighted and I’m not quite sure how I’m going to do. First, it’s my favorite holiday. It sucks because I’m not looking forward to it and I can’t get excited about it this year. I’m actually dreading it and trying to figure out strategies for getting through it. Last Thanksgiving, we told everyone close to us that we were expecting. We started with my parents, then Hackie’s parents, and then the rest of our families and closest friends. Everyone was so excited and we were thrilled at how well our plans of telling everyone went. Thanksgiving day, I woke up to my mom on the phone with the hospital – my grandfather had fallen in the middle of the night. He hadn’t been doing well and had been in and out of the hospital. He died that Saturday. He was 88 and his body was failing his brilliant mind. Still it was a great loss for our family and I was so sad that he wouldn’t get to meet his great-grandchild. The roller coaster of emotions that weekend was hard to bear. However, I was glad that I could tell my family some good news in a time of such sadness. My cousin put it best when she wrote, “when one door of happiness closes, another opens” – Little did we know…
I remember making a comment last Thanksgiving of how excited I was that there would be another little one joining the table in a year. This would have been Maya’s first major holiday, and I would have shared my excitement with her. She would be at such a fun age, and it would have been so fun to watch everyone in the family ooh and ah over her cuteness.
My positive pregnancy test and announcement. The death of my grandfather. Our first major holiday with no Maya. It’s going to be very hard. I know that. I do not know how I will feel that day. Hackie and I will be at my mom’s and my step–siblings and nephews will be there too. I have already told my mom that I reserve the right to not sit at the table. I have learned that in this journey called grief, I cannot predict how I will feel and I need to take what I need. The last thing I want to do is ruin everyone else’s holiday and/or make anyone uncomfortable. I refuse to sit at the table sobbing while everyone looks at me with pity.
I will get through tomorrow. I will get through Thanksgiving. It’s a process and if I’ve learned anything in these last five months, it’s that I cannot plan and I cannot prepare. I need to live through it and intend to do the best I can.